Fiction

Acts of Desperation

Acts of Desperation

  • Downloads：9345
  • Type：Epub+TxT+PDF+Mobi
  • Create Date：2021-04-06 09:51:18
  • Update Date：2025-09-06
  • Status：finish
  • Author：Megan Nolan
  • ISBN：1787333361
  • Environment：PC/Android/iPhone/iPad/Kindle
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Summary

*A NEW STATESMAN， OBSERVER， IRISH TIMES， i AND STYLIST BOOK OF 2021*

'Please believe the hype 。。。 a seriously exciting writer' Sunday Times

'The millennial author everyone should be watching right now' Daily Telegraph

'Such brilliant writing about female desire， co-dependant love。。。Incredibly honest and visceral' Marian Keyes

Discover this bitingly honest， darkly funny debut novel about a toxic relationship and secret female desire， from an emerging star of Irish literature。

Love was the final consolation， would set ablaze the fields of my life in one go， leaving nothing behind。 I thought of it as a force which would clean me and by its presence make me worthy of it。 There was no religion in my life after early childhood， and a great faith in love was what I had cultivated instead。 Oh， don't laugh at me for this， for being a woman who says this to you。 I hear myself speak。

Even now， even after all that took place between us， I can still feel how moved I am by him。 Ciaran was that downy， darkening blond of a baby just leaving its infancy。 He was the most beautiful man I had ever seen。 None of it mattered in the end; what he looked like， who he was， the things he would do to me。 To make a beautiful man love and live with me had seemed - obviously， intuitively - the entire point of life。 My need was greater than reality， stronger than the truth， more savage than either of us would eventually bear。 How could it be true that a woman like me could need a man's love to feel like a person， to feel that I was worthy of life？ And what would happen when I finally wore him down and took it？

'A dark， intense account of an obsessive love affair。 It's great on the elation of falling in love and then its flip side， the anxiety， fixation and self-doubt。 A really fine debut' David Nicholls

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Reviews

Eloise ，

One of the best books I’ve read in ages。 The author exposed aspects of being a woman that I hadn’t even acknowledged to myself。 It’s a raw and devastating account of being in a toxic relationship in your 20s and how ‘pathetic’ you can become。 Highly recommend。

Least Torque ，

An incredible and complex look at a young woman struggling with love and sexuality and self-harm。 If semi-autobiographical， then incredibly brave as well。 The parts that felt ripped from my own life were so accurate and perceptive that I could only be thankful that forty-some years have passed since my own experiences。 The parts that I had no familiarity with still felt visceral and true。 I also loved and totally related to the ending。 Just excellent。

Ellen ，

Nolan is an excellent writer。 There are some sharp insights and sentence sculpture in this book that I know will stay with me。 And yet， and I almost felt bad for thinking this while I was reading because the writing was so good， the book does， for me， fall into the 'Sad millennial girl' template I've been noticing in work from recent emerging writes 。 By which I mean - an attractive girl （though usually some form of issues with her body and self-image come to light， she is still ultimately conve Nolan is an excellent writer。 There are some sharp insights and sentence sculpture in this book that I know will stay with me。 And yet， and I almost felt bad for thinking this while I was reading because the writing was so good， the book does， for me， fall into the 'Sad millennial girl' template I've been noticing in work from recent emerging writes 。 By which I mean - an attractive girl （though usually some form of issues with her body and self-image come to light， she is still ultimately conventionally thin and good looking） coming of age between the mid-2000s to mid-2010s， girls in school were bitches but she was different， an outsider， has several bad， sometimes outright abusive， relationships with men （the relationship always seems to happen TO them rather than be something they're actively participating in and pretty much all the men she encounters are awful， in general）， smokes， does drugs （yet keeping work and paying rent is never an issue somehow， it's just never mentioned）， doesn't just have sex， she wants to F*CK， but in a way that's more self-abusive than fun。 Will have a cigarette overlooking the city after said f*cking， contemplating。 Her mother probably was a habitual dieter and maybe said mean things about her appearance growing up， dad was nice but disappointingly passive or jus straight up not present。She is so sad and full of self-loathing， self-obsessed， but by god is she deep and interesting （eh， not really）。 Stop me if you've heard it before！OK， I'm blathering， but I guess my overall point is that as a millennial woman myself， this narrative just keeps coming up again and again in my generation's writing and at some point， for all the great elements a work may have， I just have to ask is this all we have to say？ 。。。more

Debbie ，

This book I feel like was a complete hot mess about a woman in a toxic relationship。 I was prepared to be sympathetic to her （the narrator is never named） but throughout the book her actions and self obsessiveness just made me not even care。 I found the book a bit depressing and somewhat sad。 I feel like the picture on the cover of this book is a perfect depiction of the unnamed woman。

Diana ，

Acts of Desperation should have been my cup of tea but I just could not connect with the unnamed narrator。 I just needed more。 She was unlikeable， but not unlikeable enough。 She was complex， desperate and tortured but we don’t fully understand why。 Ciaran was a POS but I feel even his character could have been more fleshed out。 I thought it was a good read and I finished it quite quickly， but I just wish there was slightly less telling and more showing and more depth to the characters。

David McGinn ，

Stunning， raw， visceral writing and a compelling story。

Aoife Chew ，

After reading the 2nd half of the book， I got it。 I got the story and the impact it should have had on readers and can say alot of it is relatable。 Such an interesting way to write a book that so many ppl wont enjoy but I feel it should be embraced for its individuality。

Joyce ，

This book is bleak。 But I give it a 5 as I could not stop reading。 The sheer honesty of the book clawed to me， plunged me into its depths and I clunge to its savageness， its harsh realism yet wholy melancholy story of a woman playing with alcoholism so casually and knowing her realationship to be fully abusive， yet feeling deserved of its abuse as it parallels her self-destructive nature。 A tough read， but sadly relatable in places。

Rebecca McKenna ，

This book was poignant and all consuming。 I finished it in a few days and just couldn’t put it down。 It’s a stunning debut from a fantastic Irish Author。 An honest Portrayal of a toxic relationship and it really captures the complexity of human emotions and experiences， exploring feelings of shame， self-harm， sex and the role of love。 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Nicole ，

Really having trouble working out my feelings about this book bc while there are some genuinely good passages in here， ultimately it doesn’t feel like the book knows what it’s trying to say。 The ambivalence feels sloppy rather than interesting especially after reading a short piece+reading list the author wrote for LitHub。 The idea she seemed to want to explore （that unrequited love， loving someone who doesn’t want it， can be a kind of violence） seems completely undercut by the fact that the boy Really having trouble working out my feelings about this book bc while there are some genuinely good passages in here， ultimately it doesn’t feel like the book knows what it’s trying to say。 The ambivalence feels sloppy rather than interesting especially after reading a short piece+reading list the author wrote for LitHub。 The idea she seemed to want to explore （that unrequited love， loving someone who doesn’t want it， can be a kind of violence） seems completely undercut by the fact that the boyfriend is genuinely abusive （emotionally and eventually physically） and that he’s her boyfriend—that is， a person who willingly entered into a relationship with our narrator and then proceeds to withhold affection the entire time， while also keeping in constant contact with an ex he is still obsessed with and writes inappropriate emails to—emails that use his gf as fodder essentially to make the ex jealous）。 Obviously she should’ve broken up with this cold hearted bastard sooner but am I really supposed to believe that he is even a little bit the victim here？ Of what exactly？ Her affections？ In the context of a relationship？ I kept waiting to find out the narrator was completely unreliable in order for this premise to make sense but it never happened。 。。。more

Sarah West ，

The kind of book I immediately want to read again， Megan's words are so beautifully put together that it takes a while for the unsettling content to sink in。 The kind of book I immediately want to read again， Megan's words are so beautifully put together that it takes a while for the unsettling content to sink in。 。。。more

Becca ，

Brilliant， such a beautifully written， but dark account of a damaged psyche， of self abuse， shame， sex， toxic relationships， alcohol and drugs etc etc， but I found it engrossing and very original despite drawing similarities with recent fiction reads like Boy Parts， My Dark Vanessa and so on。 Will be keeping an eye on what Nolan does next！

Olivia ，

Nolan writes so sharply and with such intent， and the intensity of the emotions in the novel made for such an engrossing and addictive read！

Gina Macdonald ，

Think I'm probably landing somewhere between a 3 and a 4 on this one， will be digesting it for a while， not really my cup of tea but can appreciate how well written and provocative it is， an impressive debut！ Think I'm probably landing somewhere between a 3 and a 4 on this one， will be digesting it for a while， not really my cup of tea but can appreciate how well written and provocative it is， an impressive debut！ 。。。more

Jennifer Siegrist ，

This is a descriptive story about a young woman learning about herself and the relationships she finds herself in with unsuitable partners that she sometimes becomes obsessed by and her self-abuse as she describes her feelings。 It’s an emotional and troubled story。。。very descriptive emotionally。

Catherine ，

this was a really perceptive， uncomfortable and well executed portrayal of obsessive love， with so many observations that cut through。 it won’t be for everyone but I read it over two days & couldn’t put it down。 parts of it were brutal and difficult to read。 would’ve been four stars but the ending cinched it for me。

Kat ，

Painfully intense， raw， chaotic， sometimes creepily relatable and incredibly well written。 Can't remember when I last ''hate-pitied" characters so much。。。 like when you don't know if you wanna hug them or punch them in the face。 Painfully intense， raw， chaotic， sometimes creepily relatable and incredibly well written。 Can't remember when I last ''hate-pitied" characters so much。。。 like when you don't know if you wanna hug them or punch them in the face。 。。。more

Laurie ，

Wow！ This book was great！ Intense。。。Raw The author really had a way of making this girl seem real， like you weren’t reading fiction。 The Entire time you were right there with her。 I just wanted to give her a hug！ The writing was amazing！ Nolan has a knack for expressing thoughts and feelings in such a way， she just “nails it” the entire book。 This book probably isn’t for everyone it has a lot of triggers in it！ For the rest of you。。。。。read it！ You won’t be sorry。 One of the best books I’ve read Wow！ This book was great！ Intense。。。Raw The author really had a way of making this girl seem real， like you weren’t reading fiction。 The Entire time you were right there with her。 I just wanted to give her a hug！ The writing was amazing！ Nolan has a knack for expressing thoughts and feelings in such a way， she just “nails it” the entire book。 This book probably isn’t for everyone it has a lot of triggers in it！ For the rest of you。。。。。read it！ You won’t be sorry。 One of the best books I’ve read this year！ 。。。more

Dana ，

3。5

Polly Winn ，

This is a phenomenal book。 There’s something addictive about Nolan’s writing and its ability to make you physically feel the pain she portrays。 What I found most compelling were the incredibly vivid depictions of people in all of their ugliness， weakness， cruelty and everything in between。 Acts of Desperation is a brutally honest， confronting and difficult book to read at times， but to me it’s also desperately necessary。 I didn’t seem to find it as bleak as others have， I think mainly because th This is a phenomenal book。 There’s something addictive about Nolan’s writing and its ability to make you physically feel the pain she portrays。 What I found most compelling were the incredibly vivid depictions of people in all of their ugliness， weakness， cruelty and everything in between。 Acts of Desperation is a brutally honest， confronting and difficult book to read at times， but to me it’s also desperately necessary。 I didn’t seem to find it as bleak as others have， I think mainly because the ‘desperation’ throughout really makes you cling onto the progress and elements of joy。 I found the relationship with her father and with her friend and former flat mate really moving amongst other moments。 Regardless of how people feel about the subject matter and the story itself， I struggle to understand how anyone isn’t moved by such a raw and honest novel。 To think it’s a debut as well just blows my mind， I can’t wait to read everything else she ever writes。 。。。more

Jami Murphy ，

This is a brilliant book。 The author is smart beyond her years and writes with an intensity and audacity some never achieve。 It is difficult to believe this is her first novel。 She is intelligent and has a masterful way with language。 I was drawn in immediately。 Unfortunately， the story is so bleak and problematic I only read it in the morning while sitting fully in the daylight。 Otherwise， it preyed on my mindset and made me feel a sinking， horrible sadness。 Why read a book like this？ Well， bes This is a brilliant book。 The author is smart beyond her years and writes with an intensity and audacity some never achieve。 It is difficult to believe this is her first novel。 She is intelligent and has a masterful way with language。 I was drawn in immediately。 Unfortunately， the story is so bleak and problematic I only read it in the morning while sitting fully in the daylight。 Otherwise， it preyed on my mindset and made me feel a sinking， horrible sadness。 Why read a book like this？ Well， besides excellent writing skills， the book speaks directly to the many complicated facets of gender。 The story provoked B I G emotional responses in me on so many levels。 The main character has some pretty profound notions regarding relationships， intimacy and love that even as a middle aged woman I have not managed， （nor do I have the bravery）， to examine so brutally under a microscope。 Surely， as I was mortified and sickened by much of the unnamed main character’s denigrating and repellent behavior， I was in awe of her willingness to acknowledge- these are things I do， this is how I am in the world， this is how I exist。 Similar to a few other Irish writers I’ve recently read， Megan Nolan’s， Acts of Desperation， starts off like a relationship book wherein a young Irish woman and an Irish/Danish guy begin a relationship， however， by this book’s end， the whole thing graduates into a full on train wreck of identity dissolution。 I was worried about her and scared for her and constantly going back and forth between- this is brilliant fiction， and also- I hope this isn’t autobiographical。 I was relieved to find the ending。 I was tired of wringing my hands。 I wouldn’t read this again。 I hated my early twenties。 I hated all the learning and relearning。 It’s good to look back from where I am and see this。 This book is strong and holds its own。 Extremely explicit and loads of trigger warnings including， and not limited to， eating disorders， cutting， sexual assault and drug use。 。。。more

Grace ，

This is such a uniquely honest novel which explores unhealthy relationships with others as well as ourselves with a scary amount of sincerity。 It makes it uncomfortable at times， but mostly a very interesting read that gets you thinking。 There were sections which lost me a little because of how introspective it is throughout， but overall an insightful and engaging read。

Faith Larson ，

Fantastic， emotional and raw storytelling。 Loved the writing， the author is quite talented。

Hannah ，

Just incredible。 I cried at the end。 Dude。

Alissa ，

Real Score: 2。50/2。75 but definitely not a 3 。。。 wasn’t that deep。。。 wasn’t that interesting。。。 they both felt a bit flat and they weren’t significantly in love。。。 writing was alright。。。 this book just couldn’t follow “Abandon Me”

Minette ，

This excellent coming of age psychological suspense was difficult to read because it was so sad but impossible to put down。 The unnamed narrator is an alcoholic love addict who is in a toxic relationship。 She should have run from him immediately because she noticed he had “cruel eyes” but she fell in love with him at first sight anyway。 Things go up and down from there， leaving the protagonist damaged but with much insight。

Abi Fiedler ，

Got through it pretty quick。 Appreciate its well written but holy shit v bleak and toxic and made me sad for everyone involved。 Something happier next， I think。

Jennifer Smyth ，

This was a sad， painful read that made me feel lonely for the main character。

Caroline Croezen ，

A very raw difficult read about a toxic relationship， self sabatoge and a complete lack of self worth。 I imagined it to be like Normal People but it's a completely different kind of love。 A very raw difficult read about a toxic relationship， self sabatoge and a complete lack of self worth。 I imagined it to be like Normal People but it's a completely different kind of love。 。。。more

Rachel ，

Shirley MacLaine gave a notable interview in which she said that during the Hays code era – when sex couldn’t be shown onscreen – women were allowed to play all sorts of roles。 Then the Hays code was rescinded， women were shown in the bedroom， and ‘we’ve been in the bedroom ever since’。When I think of the current crop of female writers， both in the literary fiction genre and the memoir genre （which seem to be， snh， bleeding into one another these days）， I think of MacLaine’s hot take。 At one poi Shirley MacLaine gave a notable interview in which she said that during the Hays code era – when sex couldn’t be shown onscreen – women were allowed to play all sorts of roles。 Then the Hays code was rescinded， women were shown in the bedroom， and ‘we’ve been in the bedroom ever since’。When I think of the current crop of female writers， both in the literary fiction genre and the memoir genre （which seem to be， snh， bleeding into one another these days）， I think of MacLaine’s hot take。 At one point Nolan describes the fact that rape is not considered to be ‘sex’ in the usual sense of the world as 。。。‘fashionable’。 What is fashionable is to talk about women’s bodies and how they are abused。 Some of the most intentionally disquieting description in this book comes from the scenes where she describes having coercive sex with a string of interchangeable male characters。 However， such is the moral vacuum in which this type of book is written， I have no idea how Nolan wants me to feel about this。 Obviously it’s terrible that she， and I， and every woman we know， has had this happen to them。 But … what now？ I asked my friend who enjoyed this book （and who enjoys these types of books）。 She said it was comforting to see herself reflected in the pages， to feel herself not alone in these feelings。 I just don’t think that’s enough。 I’m on the side of Oscar Wilde and Louisa May Alcott; I think books should have morals in them。 I don’t think， in fact， that it’s a choice – if you don’t put a moral in， one will be imposed。 I want to hear about the world Nolan et al envison to replace this one。 I want a blueprint for how to get there。 When I read books like this， I just feel mired in the mud。“He seemed somehow pre-historic， still-becoming， an animal not yet ready to exist， with whom there is no point in being disappointed。”Or， you know， you could treat men as people， and expect them to do better。That is certainly a my trash/not my trash issue – my friend had exactly the opposite feeling， and contended that books with my favourite things （morals， redemption， hope punk） could make her feel mired in the mud。 What’s not a ‘my trash’ issue is the writing quality， which is middling at best。 This is very clearly Nolan’s own diaries， tossed into book form with the lightest of edits。 At times Nolan veers into a personal essay cul-de-sac。 What differentiates a novel from an essay is that it’s specific， not general。 You can make some general claims， but it has to be through the lens of a specific character’s opinions or experiences。 Here， it just reads like frantic space-filling with not particularly deep or original analyses of every-day sexism。The pet cat anecdote was good， but the ‘stiff as new cardboard’ line， while a good metaphor， detracts from the overall piece。 I also liked her ‘platonic ideal’ of her parents getting back together， revived when they meet annually on the narrator’s birthday。 That’s the sum total of what I liked。Ciaran himself is clearly an amalgam of one of the many not-very-nice men she’s encountered， plus a few weirdly- and overly-unique traits （like being Danish* and having no sense of smell）。 There’s absolutely nothing that differentiates him qualitatively from Reuben， Noel， or Mark。 Much has been made in the reviews of Ciaran's anger and control issues**， but to be quite honest， I feel these were equalled， if not exacerbated， by the narrator’s alcoholism， self-pity， and narcissicism。 If I had to live with this awful person， I too would be inclined to extend her the silent treatment now and again。*I also deeply resent her assertion that ‘no one that beautiful’ can possibly be Irish， hence Ciaran’s mixed ancestry。 Like … Cillian Murphy？ Jonathan Rhys Meyers？ Michael Fassbender？ Colin Farrell？ No？ Okay。 **Nolan also frames Ciaran’s stinginess as a fatal flaw， when in fact it’s just him being Northern European。 Hello？ They’re all like that？ Parsimonious Presbyterians holding the monetary union together with their inborn austerity， etc。People yelp on a lot these days about ‘unlikeable’ characters， especially unlikeable female characters。 What they really mean is they like reading about hot people being intermittently sarcastic and a little callous when the plot calls for it。 This narrator is truly unlikeable。 Hot people being sarcastic is a good time， this … is not。 “His body would become a site of prayer for me， a place where I could forget about my own living flesh and be only with his。 It was a thing of total pleasure， total beauty。”Total lacking？ Go to therapy， woman。“ ‘Ciaran，’ he said， and then， as though having read my mind， ‘thought it’s only my father who’s Irish – I’m Danish。’”This is a deeply weird thing to say to a stranger。“ ‘It’s just that with art I never feel on a sure footing。 With other things， I have some knowledge I can discuss them in terms of*。 With this sort of thing， I could say anything at all about it。 I have no frame of reference。”This is so incredibly dumb。 It’s called art history。 Read a book。 Frame of reference: done。 Would you say the same thing about a history museum or a military installation？ ‘I have no frame of reference’ WELL GET ONE。*Good GOD this is awful phraseology。 This reads like she didn't even proof it， let alone edit it。“I was always calculating with scientific precision the relative beauty of the people I wanted to be with， and would steer clear of the ones who exceeded me too greatly。”Big mood， but on the other hand， the entire premise of this book is that Ciaran is the most beautiful man in the entire country…？ Then again， keeping to this premise would have required an actual， you know， story。 。。。more

Reference

google book https://www.google.com/search?tbm=bks&q=Acts of Desperation

hathitrust digital library https://babel.hathitrust.org/cgi/ls?q1=Acts of Desperation&field1=ocr&a=srchls&ft=ft&lmt=ft

The British Library https://bll01.primo.exlibrisgroup.com/discovery/search?query=any,contains,Acts of Desperation&tab=LibraryCatalog&search_scope=Not_BL_Suppress&vid=44BL_INST:BLL01&lang=en&offset=0